prayer

Lord, thank You. thank You that You’re good. You’re awesome. You’re wonderful. You’ve given me grace and mercy and peace and joy and forgiveness and washed away my pain and my fear my filth and my faithlessness. it doesn’t matter what i feel. it doesn’t matter whether i feel forgiven. i am. it doesn’t matter whether i feel that You are distant. You are not. Your word says so and i believe Your word.

thank You that You are constantly changing me. thank You that seasons of intimacy are followed by seasons of dryness. so that I never become complacent. so that I’m always learning, growing, changing, striving to go farther in and farther up.

thank You for painful lessons. for correction and discipline. thank You that it is not easy to serve You, but it is full of joy and reward. thank You that i know Your voice. thank You for Your word and Your promises, the only things that i can really trust. thank You for constantly and patiently reminding me who You are and who i am in You.

thank You for repentance, for Your blood, for making me hungry for You, for drawing my attention to my failures but then washing them away so i don’t have to live in them. for being the Great Physician, healer of my soul and body and mind. thank You for changing my thoughts about You.

thank You that You know how to give good gifts to Your children. thank You that i am becoming more and more like You even when i feel i’m not making progress at all. thank You for speaking to us at all. thank You Jesus for being Jesus.

thank You that you said “it is finished” on the cross and if it is finished than i am already complete in You. thank You that you will change my vision so i can see that completion and begin to walk in it.

thank You for showing me where my focus is wrong and how to set it back on You, the only place i can find the fulfillment and affirmation i need so much.

Jesus. thank You that You took my sin seriously. Seriously enough to die for it. i will not make light of it.

Thank You for being Jesus. And being alive. And being alive in me. for being greater than my situation, no matter what it is.

conviction

so i got totally convicted this morning.

it was before prayer meeting and i was walking around the church praying by myself.

and i realized how foolish i've been.

i have this friend. and she's a wonderful friend and i love her more than anything. and she's been a wonderful friend TO me.

i mean sure i've done nice stuff for her. because i DO love her. i've bought her lots of stuff and given her gifts and whatnot.

but she has borne with me through so much. so many of my bad attitudes and stupid insecurities and she has been nothing but patient and quick to forgive and forget and given me so much grace.

and in return i have walked in a totaly spirit of offense. instead of quick to forgive i've been quick to hold the tiniest offense against her and assume the worst even though i know that i know that i know that she would never do anything to hurt me and all the worst things i've thought of her are totally outside her character. and really - REALLY - i knew that and i never thought those things of her at all. but i was so quick to listen to lies and believe that she didn't care or that she was totally indifferent to me.

and worse, i knew i was wrong and i was constantly apologizing but never changing. every day i'd get angry, apologize, and start the whole cycle all over.

so now this time i'm not apologizing. but i'm repenting. which means taking concrete steps in the opposite direction. i totally totally repent.

please forgive me again.

it's not my crown anyway...

I lay my crown down…

I had a vision while we were praying a few Sundays ago.

We were praying before church as the worship team typically does. I am not on the worship team but I am on the visual half of the audio-visual team. People visualize me. Okay not really. But anyway we were praying…

And we did that song “King,” where it says “casting our crowns before Your throne, we’ve come to worship You alone.”

Rebekah was praying about casting our crowns down in the throne room, which was something I had been thinking about over the previous few days.

And while she was praying I saw myself…in the throne room. And I was trying to wear a crown that was too big for me.

It was heavy and I couldn’t hold up my head well and it hurt my neck to try. It kept falling down over my eyes and blocking my vision.

And I thought that to kneel at the foot of the throne … to lift that heavy crown off my head and offer it up to Jesus … to say, “Here, Lord, this is Yours. It fits You,” should be such a sweet relief.

But even since then I haven't given it up. I'm still trying to maintain control. I still count my life as my own instead of His. No matter how many times I've proven I can't be trusted with it.

Why do I cling to it so stubbornly? I don’t wear it well, it doesn’t look good on me and it hurts me.

Jesus this is Yours. Take it. It fits You.