thanks...

a few years ago i was dating this guy. he was kind of a jerk but that's really not relevant to anything at the moment. anyway, whenever he would hear me complaining about something pointless that i could just as easily overlook, he would turn to me and say

"hey you know what helps with that? shuttin' the hell up"

as mean as that is, i think it's hilarious. technically he had a good point. last week i mentioned it in passing to a few friends. we laughed.

so that's the plot exposition. the following is a phone call that took place this morning to sarah.

me: can i tell you what just happened to me?

sarah: sure

me: so i'm on my way to work, as i tend to be at this time of day. and i can't turn around. there's a cement divider. and i got coffee on the way to work, as i tend to do. and just now i picked up the coffee and the lid popped off and it just exploded. everywhere. i mean it's all over me. all over my seat, my clothes, dripping off my steering wheel, it's everywhere. i mean everywhere.

pause

sarah: hey you know what helps with that?

learning to focus

i've been thinking. it seems to me that when you're with a group of people... maybe not every group of people you're with, but at least the one you spend the most time with... there is one person.

let me clarify. you could absolutely love everyone in that group. but there's usually one person who, for whatever reason, you hold in higher esteem. [that's not expressed quite right. bear with me]. there's one person who's attention you want. not necessarily on an active, conscious level, but that thing is there nonetheless.

whether it's because of where your relationship with that person is for the moment, or just that you admire him or her so much - his or her opinion is important to you. [for the sake of me not having to say "him or her" anymore we'll just go with "him." try and follow].

and throughout your interactions with that group, you're not necessarily trying to have his constant attention but you're pleased when you get it. when you say that thing that makes him turn his head and smile directly at you or makes him laugh out loud. and you'd almost be willing to alienate every other member of the group [people you love] just to do or say something that will please him. it's peer pressure at its purest. to share an inside joke with him. i'm not even talking about romantic love here. this could be a close friend, a pastor, a teacher... but everytime you say just that thing and he laughs out loud, it's like a reward to you. and it doesn't matter whether anyone else even got the joke.

does this make sense? it's not an unhealthy thing. it's just the natural desire to be noticed by someone you admire or want to be close to.

so i've been thinking.

what if [no matter what group of people i was with at the moment]... what if,
Jesus, that person was always you?

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.