today i will

leave work early and drive to marysville california. yep. that's what i will do.

empty handed but alive in Your hands...

one time James preached a corrective sermon and at the end he said, "if you walk out discouraged by this message, you are listening to the devil."

and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. the point of a corrective message is to encourage (transitive verb meaning "to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope; to spur on") us to repent. it should be a good thing. just like the point of correcting your children is to warn them, and ultimately to improve their lives.

my dad preached on love last night. and it wasn't a corrective sermon. it was straightforward and encouraging. but it was so hard for me not to fall into the trap of condemning myself.

as he spoke, my accuser sat next to me and reminded me how little my love is. how easily annoyed i am by most people and how selfish my love for the rest. he did the classic (read the temptation of Jesus) trick where he uses God's own words against you. he even went so far as to bring my love life into the picture, reminding me that i have already been unfaithful to (let's just call it what it is ... cheated on) my husband and i haven't even met him yet. that i can never offer him what he deserves. ever. and it breaks my heart.

but here's where the blood of Jesus comes into play. HE [Jesus] did not condemn me. He wants me to be free. and if He, the only perfect person ever and the son of God, does not condemn me, who do i think i am to go around condemning myself like i have the moral high ground on Jesus?

there's a place in Zechariah ... i couldn't believe it when i read this.

"then he showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the Angel of the LORD, and Satan standing at his right hand to oppose him. (Joshua representing Israel, God's chosen people). And the LORD said to satan, "The LORD rebuke you satan! the LORD who has chosen Jerusalem rebuke you! Is this not a brand plucked from the fire?" Now Joshua was clothed with filthy garments and was standing before the Angel. Then He answered and spoke to those who stood before Him, saying "take away the filthy garments from him." and to him He said, "See, I have removed your iniquity from you, and I will clothe you with rich robes."

this is amazing. because God didn't defend Joshua or say that he had not done the things he'd done. if you read the Bible at all you know that Israel has screwed up and been unfaithful to (cheated on) God a thousand times. and God didn't deny it.

but He rebuked the accuser anyway. just like He did for me.

He said of me, "yes, she DID do these things. yes, she IS a sinner - a liar, a thief, an adulteress. but I pulled her out of the fire. I chose her. who are you?" and then he threw away the filthy clothes i came to Him in and gave me new ones.

"in the red sea of His own blood our Redeemer has drowned the pharoah of our sins."

weird dreams part deux

i dreamed that i went to some kind of retreat/camp and mason's wife was there.

(mason, for anyone who doesn't know, is the "ex" but it's been quite a long time since i've seen him. he lives in maine or virginia or afghanistan or something. i don't know).

anyway i dreamed mason tried to get his wife to kill me.

but then she and i became friends.

when he found out he was really mad but i gave him some bacon and he wasn't mad anymore after that.

this is actually pretty feasible.

[before you start getting any crazy ideas, mason was not married when i "dated" him. that was a long time ago. just for the record.]

"don't call it a love story until it really is one."

what is easter REALLY like in nevada?

job asked me this. i'm assuming by the way he asked that people have been telling him all sorts of suspicious and highly unlikely things that might happen on a nevada easter and he's ready to clear things up and get down to the truth.

so here it is, job.

easter was wonderful. i was disappointed when church was over. church was great. even if it only reached one extra person [and it did] it was great.

it WAS cold and windy and rainy. boo.

we single girls spent the afternoon house-hopping and begging dinner off happily married families. so dinner was great too. but mostly church.

sarah kicked me in the face. kale kicked me in the leg. sarah drooled on herself for nearly five minutes and is still congratulating herself on the accomplishment. she also did a great job leading worship. we lost "buzz word." we discussed the real meaning of the word "regret." i think we've almost reached a conclusion (or a few separate, but similar conclusions.)

danielle is visiting. we made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. we hid money in plastic easter eggs and hit them around town. but we only actually hid two of them. the rest are still somewhere in my car. we lose momentum quickly.

i was both overwhelmed and surprisingly unemotional about the fact of Jesus' physical and death-conquering resurrection. but sometimes i like to be unemotional. i like when He takes me deeper than emotions. they're pretty surface anyway.

i took monday off. we bowled. i bought a book called "blue like jazz" and introduced sarah to "ready made" magazine [amazing].

danielle, sarah and i woke up this morning sick to our stomachs. ugh. i think it's going around.

sunnyside up, please

today is a good day.

seriously it is.

on the downside: 1. i still have this job i'm not that fond of. 2. i'm at that job right now. 3. i'm wearing high-heeled boots. why? i don't know. i get up very early, you never know what's going to happen with my wardrobe. 4.... no, i can only think of three.

but

on the UPside: 1. i still have this job. 2. my God is amazingly, overwhelmingly, unspeakably good and the things that He's done for me, today alone, are too many to mention. 3. my enemies are vanquished. this doesn't mean i've been wreaking havoc on the streets of carson and taking out high school rivals. i mean other enemies. 4. these boots look good on me. 5. i'm almost halfway done with this work day. 6. danielle is coming to visit on saturday. she is amazing. 7. no, there are just too many. don't you ever have one of those days where you just. feel. really. good?

savor it.

i will bless the Lord at all times...

and His praise will continually be in my mouth!

good thing He's sovereign, eh?

so i was reading this in the “news” this morning.

and i started to get all irritated and all these things rose up in me that i wanted to say… but you know what? It doesn’t even matter. bottom line. it doesn’t matter.

the only thing that matters is Jesus.

and He is completely capable of communicating Himself.

obsession

"everyone has their obsession
consuming thoughts, consuming time
they hold high their prized possession
that defines the meaning of their lives...

You are mine."

science fiction

you can stop chasing that rainbow now...

chuck drove me to work today, while his amazing wife volunteered to drop my car off at the shop to get a new tire.

it is one of those lovely rainy misty days... and there was a rainbow.

we actually saw the place where the rainbow touched the ground -- that sought-after, pined for, mythical end of the rainbow.

there in the misty morning sunrise, we beheld, for the first time, the object of so many dreams, songs and speculations, the mysterious "what could it be" that lies at the rainbow's end.

it turns out a billboard for harvey's casino is what lies at the end of the rainbow.

we drove on.

unrelatedly, here's the quote that caught my eye today:

"A man asleep is certainly a sight to make angels weep. What good is all his brain, muscle, backing, nerve, influence, and family connections? He's at the mercy of his enemies, and more so of his friends. And he's about as beautiful as a cab-horse leaning against the Metropolitan Opera House at 12.30 A.M. dreaming of the plains of Arabia. Now, a woman asleep you regard as different. No matter how she looks, you know it's better for all hands for her to be that way."

'the soul's paradox of love...'

it's weird to be stoked about something and sad at the same time.

it's strange how the answers to my fervent prayers are so good but they hurt a little.

but i guess it's really the reverse. the "but" is in the wrong place. the answers to my fervent prayers may hurt a little but they are so good in so many ways.

thank You merciful Jesus. heal her heart...

and bring him soon. please.