Well, to be honest it was pretty boring, but I got a new shoe so it's not a complete waste of time

Okay, so we all know America is bitterly divided about many issues, the most volatile of which (at least on the surface) is the war in Iraq.

New Democratic party leader Howard “Howler” Dean and former Pentagon advisor Richard Perle recently debated the issue in Portland, where one Democrat cleverly stated his case by throwing a shoe at Perle, and screaming “Liar! Liar!”

Ironically (or perhaps significantly) throwing a shoe at someone is the pinnacle of all insults in Iraq, where the now famous former Minister of Information Mohammed Saeed Al Sahaf once said, “We will welcome them with bullets and shoes.” This was shortly before all the American Soldiers lost the war by committing suicide at the gates of Baghdad … oh wait, no. All those guys driving ammo loaded trucks into tank rounds were Iraqis, not Americans.

Anyway the shoe-throwing incident was, so far as I could tell reading the story, the only interesting thing that happened throughout the debate. Otherwise both sides stuck to the pattern we’ve all established of endlessly repeating ourselves. Perhaps we do this because we think if we can just say it a little louder, maybe they’ll suddenly understand. I don’t know. All I know is I haven’t heard anything new in months.

It usually looks something like this:

Democrat: “It’s a lie! A lie I tell you! Bush lied!”

Republican: “We got rid of a vicious dictator who killed hundreds of thousands of his own people!”

Democrat: “War is not the answer!”

Republican: “The media is nothing but a bunch of left-wing lunatics!”

Democrat: “The media is nothing but a bunch of right-wing nutjobs!”

Republican: “God bless America.”

Democrat: “GOD? You intolerant Muslim-hating Jesus freak! I’m moving to Canada.”

Republican: “Don’t make promises you won’t keep. Oh, you were serious? In that case may I help you pack? Oh, you weren’t serious.”

Democrat: “War is not the answer! Why didn’t we go to war with Iran and North Korea? Bush just wants to be like his daddy. Damn cowboy!”

Republican: “It was the best intelligence we had at the time. Okay, so it was flawed, but we still need to support our troops and finish what we started.”

Democrat (bright red at this point): “Islamaphobia! Free speech! Separation of church and state! Communists! Religious war-mongering zealots! AARGHH!”

Okay, before you all freak out, I will admit this satire may be slightly biased against Democrats. This is because I am (let’s be honest, the cat’s pretty much out of the bag at this point), a Republican. I often have difficulty finding logic in many of the things Democrats say. But I know and love lots of them anyway, so let’s not take it personally. Anyway, that’s not the point.

The point is that we never say anything new. We endlessly rant and bluster and insult each other without really accomplishing anything. We will never convince anyone of anything this way. All we’re doing is preaching to our respective choirs.

We’re like a bunch of children fighting over crayons. “You’re a jerk! I’m telling mommy!”

“Well, you’re mommy’s fat! So there!” And I’m as guilty as the next guy (as evidenced by my little min-debate.)

For about four seconds between conceding the election to President Bush and embarking on his “It’s not fair” tour, John Kerry spoke about uniting the nation. As deep as the gash is, I don’t think that’s possible, and certainly not in the short-term.

But that doesn’t mean we can’t take a few steps in that direction. I’m not suggesting we overcome all our differences, pass the peace pipe, hold hands and sing Lee Greenwood songs at each other.

But there’s got to be some solution other than more red-faced gesturing and bitter diatribes reiterating the same old thing.

Do I have a solution to suggest? …Noooo, not so much.

What is the point of this article? I forget. I guess I’m just tired of all this crap. Let’s grow up. I mean, come on. If we have sunk to the level of throwing shoes at each other, perhaps it’s time we reexamined ourselves.