In the news today (this way you don't have to watch CNN tonight)

As I’m sure you’ve all heard, Michael Jackson was rushed to the emergency room on the way into court yesterday. His lawyer described him as “very, very ill.” He is being treated for flu-like symptoms.

I, too, have been experiencing flu-like symptoms, but unlike Jackson, I am not due in court on child molestation charges, so an ambulance was unnecessary. Jackson’s doctors report he is suffering from “lack of being the only person the spotlight.” They cite as causes to the illness, the fact that both Scott Peterson’s trial and Janet Jackson’s left nipple got more media coverage than Michael’s dancing on a parked car episode.

Iran is almost educated enough to build its own nuclear bomb, Israel says. Iran says the suspicious explosion near its only nuclear power plant was, “a complete coincidence … wait, what are you even talking about? We were building a dam.”

Israel believes Iran is a mere six months away from having the necessary knowledge to create the bomb. Iran says the nuclear program is for electricity generation only. The two countries are expected to continue saying “yah huh” and “nuh uh” at each other until they forget what they’re arguing about, or one blows the other up. Whether Washington will intervene is yet to be determined.

The three CBS staffers who were asked to resign have hired lawyers and are attempting to sue CBS for breach of contract, or defamation of character or something. In the meantime, they continue to collect a paycheck at CBS, where top officials are doing the math right now to decide whether it would cost less to give them a settlement or just continue to pay them and extend the legal process until their contract eventually runs out.

Arthur Ventham, an Australian former weapons inspector told the U.S. Senate that UN weapons inspectors were incompetent, and spent most of their time drinking vodka and ignoring "a shadowy, nocturnal fleet believed to be smuggling goods for Saddam Hussein," according to a news article by somebody.

This poses a large problem for American liberals, who, if inspector incompetence is proved, will no longer be able to trumpet that "there were no weapons of mass destruction, you lousy communist war mogers!" It won’t be a problem for me, though. If Sean Penn didn’t find any, there weren’t any to be found, that’s what I always say.

The Kyoto Protocol, the UN treaty on global warming, took effect Wednesday. It was supported by 141 countries, but not by "the world’s biggest polluter," the United States, the article on Google News stated.

In related news, France has started a petition that, if signed by enough people, would officially designate the U.S. as "unhelpful" and "extremely annoying."

Comedian Chris Rock has fans enraged after he dared attack the sacred ceremony that is the Oscars. Rock reportedly said that *gasp* only gay men watch the Oscars. Furious, Hollywood is demanding that Rock, who is slated to host the Oscars, be replaced by someone less offensive – is Michael Moore’s schedule free? Someone should call him.

Finally, a new poll reveals that 49% of Americans screaming epithets at the other 51% and calling them morons has failed to convince the 51% that the 49% are right and we should have voted for them after all.

So in a new tactic, the 49%, aware that since they no longer like to have children the 51% will grow at a faster rate, have decided unanimously to scream even louder and add the word “imbecile.” We’ll see in 2008 how this works out for them.

There, now you don’t even have to watch the news.