How's this for fair and balanced?
Okay, I don’t want to get everyone up in arms again about how I acknowledge people in the hallway, so let’s take the focus off me for a while.
I’m a journalist right? So in the spirit of modern journalism, I have decided to report to you the news I feel you should read and salt it liberally with my opinion wherever I feel there is a danger of you forming your own.
It was unclear, reading the headline of the Google News story (from the Los Angeles Daily News) “Ogre and the ass take the spoils” whether it was referring to Shrek and his donkey or Michael Moore and …. the rest of Michael Moore. Some might disagree, but I didn’t really feel the actual story - which was about the People’s Choice Awards, in case you were confused – cleared it up that much.
I found it noteworthy that, 1) the New York Times dedicated an entire news story to the fact that Moore managed to take a bath, wear a suit, and trade in his homeless bum beard for a goatee for the event, and 2) Moore’s “favorite movie” award for Fahrenheit 9/11 met with lots of cheering and “some catcalls” while Mel Gibson got a standing ovation when he accepted his award for The Passion of the Christ as favorite drama. Moore was also kind enough to dedicate his award to the troops in Iraq and threatened to make lots more movies.
In other news, Austin Aitken is suing NBC for $2.5 million, according to Associated Press, because an episode of Fear Factor in which contestants had to eat rats mixed in a blender made him throw up. Also he ran into a door. This caused him great injury and pain, according to his handwritten lawsuit. I’ll be the first to agree that “Fear Factor” often goes overboard with their eating-gross-things stunts. For instance, when contestants had to dip their heads in a large tank of blood and pull out numerous rings with their mouths. Silly naïve little me, I just turned off the TV. Why didn’t I think of suing for 50 times what the actual contestants won for performing the stunts, because of the agony watching them caused me?
Apparently you can sue anybody for anything. I’m going out right now and find somebody to sue. How about McDonalds? Oops, already done. Several times. Maybe I’ll sue the state of Washington for the pain and suffering driving on I-5 causes me.
A Pearland, Texas couple, Steven and Susan Manis, got their 13-year-old daughter, Jessica Dunkley, to school late six times in October and November when their van wouldn’t start, according an Associated Press story in the Columbus Ledger-Enquirer. So when the school insisted Jessica spend an hour in detention for her tardiness, Steven and Susan did the time too. Since it was their fault their daughter was late, they wouldn’t let her bear the punishment alone. While in detention, the family copied two pages from a school book about pillars of good citizenship, the story said.
That’s awesome. In a typical public school move, the administration handed out punishment without trying to actually solve the problem, so the parents decided to take the rap too.
Someone in the census bureau has renamed Bevis Lake, which is near Seattle, “Butthead Lake,” proving that you don’t have to have a sophisticated education – or even a good sense of humor – to get certain jobs. In the words of the great Jerry Seinfeld, “I’m pretty sure all you need is a face.” Of course he was talking about the requirements to become a New York taxi driver, but whatever.
Billy Hawse finally returned his library book, a national parks volume which was borrowed from an Ohio library in 1927. After 78 years, the late fee was about $549, but the library will not require Hawse to pay it. This serves as a lesson to us all. If you wait long enough, the late fees go away. This does not apply at Blockbuster, which, until recently when it got rid of late fees, would first turn you over to a collection agency, then send thugs to break your kneecaps if you didn’t return to pay your fees within a month.
I could go on forever, but that would bore me. Also (believe it or not) I have a job. If you want more weird news, do the research yourself. But if you can’t handle reading the news without knowing my opinion of it (which I find highly unlikely) send me an email. I’ll by happy to comment on any news story you come up with, provided you can find my email address.
posted by Kate Robinson @ 1:56 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
I want to sue for the grief I-405 causes me every day as I drive to school. Can I sue all of the drivers on the road for congesting it up, and the state for not making enough lanes for everyone?
There's better reasons for suing the state of Washington, and King County in particular, than traffic problems. The recent gubenatorial race being the most spectacular.
Rossi had better find away to get the election back. I'll have to live with whatever decision the political/judicial aristocrats make on the matter for the next four years.
That's a good point. I was glad during election week (month) that I'm not actually a Washington resident and therefore didn't have to vote in that mess.
But back to the traffic ... maybe we can sue 75% of Washingtond drivers (we'll include people who drive on I-5 and I-405) for being idiots in general.
If we're going to sue the state of Washington for the pain and suffering that I-5 has caused us we should file it as a class action lawsuit. We could set the suit up so that as the instigators of the lawsuit we got a set percentage say 30% after legal fees. Then we would advertise on the radio that anyone who had ever suffered from I-5 traffic was eligible to sue the state.
A variation on the theme is to just charge everyone who signs onto the lawsuit a few dollars to cover "legal fees". If you set a high enough amount for "legal fees" you could make a ton of money even if you lost the case.
To rkid#1, I really just have a case of the "can't-think-of-anything-to-write."
To Rabenstrange: I like where this is going. Except all the people who would sign onto the law suit are the same people who cause the pain and suffering by virtue of A: driving on my roads all the time (just BEING on I-5) and B: driving like idiots on my roads all the time (of which I am equally guilty to tell the truth. Plus I have this big bumper sticker that says, "Are you following Jesus this close?" so it looks even worse when I drive badly.)
Not being a Washington resident apparantly didn't stop many people from voting in the Washington election. Apparantly neither did being dead, an illegal resident, a felon, or a dog stop people from voting once, twice, or dozens of times each. I wanted to go vote a few dozen times, but since it is a felony, and I'd probably be caught for it, I decided to cast a single vote like all other law abiding citizens.
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