With only a few weeks left, Roberts edges out Hinzman in Idiot of the Year 2004

Jeremy Hinzman deserted from the 82nd Airborne Division and ran to Canada with his family, where he is enjoying domestic bliss at the expense of people like my friend Jesse, an 82nd Airborne Soldier who actually deployed with his unit.

Jesse is out there risking his life, not to mention freezing his rear end off, while Jeremy is working on his Web site and getting support from peace junkies waving white flags. But that’s not even my point.

In the race for stupidest coward of the year, I think Hinzman may have to take second to the brave Spc. Marquise J. Roberts, who convinced a relative to shoot him in the leg so he could avoid going back to Iraq.

I’m proud to say Roberts is a member of the unit I went to war with, the prestigious 3rd Infantry Division, which spearheaded the assault on Baghdad in 2003 (that last dependant clause has actually been added to the division’s official name, I think).

In a stunning display of idiocy, Roberts first asked his relative to shoot him with a .22 caliber pistol while he was on leave in Philadelphia, then claimed he was shot during an armed robbery.

Unfortunately, he and the family-member he trusted enough to get shot by (and who had the amazing lack of sense to actually do the shooting) forgot one little detail – getting their stories straight.

“Gun – check. Leg – check. Gee, Bob, did we forget anything?”

“No, man. Let’s rock n’ roll.”

(Later, in the hospital)

“Well, see officer, here’s what happened …Aww crap! I knew we forgot something!”

In a surprise investigation tactic, the police actually asked both the victim and shooter questions about the incident.

After telling different stories, the two just broke down and admitted they made it all up, according to Police Lt. James Clark. Roberts was arrested shortly after receiving treatment for the gunshot wound.

Personally, I thought it made perfect sense. You don’t want to go to war again, presumably because you don’t want to … get shot. So the logical thing to do, obviously, is … get shot.

Although I can understand why getting shot in the states is marginally better than being shot in the desert (except for the inherent danger of self-loathing after doing such a thing - how do you explain that to the grandkids?), I still don’t think I could go to quite that length to get out of a second deployment.

And while I have several friends who would probably like to shoot me, I don’t think I have any relatives who actually would.

Since having family that stupid is pretty close to the same as living with insane Iraqis, does he qualify for a purple heart, do you think?

Any way, it’s important you know that there are many wonderful Soldiers in the 3rd Infantry Division, as well as 82nd Airborne. Don’t let a couple of morons like Hinzman and Roberts ruin your image of us.

UPDATE: Okay so I’ve written two columns already about cowards.

This makes me as guilty as the rest of the media in highlighting the negative instead of the positive. I read a story by Oliver North in Human Events today that reminded me about our brave guys out there who have nearly been forgotten in the rush to discredit their leadership.

I’d write about it, but I can hardly do better than he did. I suggest you read the story yourself, and remember that the majority of our guys out there are closer to Rafael Peralta than Jeremy Hinzman, Marquise Roberts and Pablo Peredes.

It’s just you don’t hear about them. Because the good guys aren’t news-worthy. Unless you’re refusing orders, shooting unarmed children or deserting your comrades, you’re not worth the media’s time.

Except, of course, it serves their purpose to paint you as a hero … like for instance if they can paint Rumsfeld as a tyrant in the process. Then it’s all about the poor soldiers …