If only my uncle didn't live there ...

A poll conducted this morning showed that 100 percent of people who are me think Florida should secede from the union and become its own insane country.

They could dig a channel around the state and elect John Kerry president.

Since we hardly need to go into the 2000 election debacle, in which Florida residents who couldn’t figure out how to draw a line next to “Al Gore” simply scribbled on their ballots in blue crayon, I have compiled a list of other reasons the United States shouldn’t have to acknowledge Florida.

1. According to the Boca Raton News, the American Health Association is offering free group therapy sessions for Kerry supporters suffering from Post Election Selection Trauma. PEST is a Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder-type condition that has caused people who voted for Kerry to tremble, have nightmares, give up on democracy, turn red anytime the word “religion” is mentioned in their presence and threaten to leave the country, among other things. The news story also mentioned Douglas Schooler, a Florida psychologist whom colleagues criticized for administering hypnotherapy to Kerry supporters and charging for it. In his defense, Schooler said his patients had complained of severe mental issues even before losing the election. Well there’s a shocker. Some Kerry supporters had severe mental issues. You don’t have to be the head cashier at Wal-Mart to figure that out.

2. Advocates of legalizing marijuana say the drug has no more adverse effects then smoking cigarettes. So I guess it was just natural stupidity that caused a Florida couple to call the police and report their weed stolen, stating they needed it back so they could sell it later. Police arrested 18-year-old John Douglas Sheetz and 17-year-old Misty Ann Holmes and charged them with possession of marijuana with intent to deliver and possession of drug paraphernalia, according to Florida news station WFTV News.

Perhaps they should consider adding “being idiots in general” to the charge list. There must be a law somewhere against being that dumb.

3. Three teenage brothers in St. Augustine, Fla., accidentally hit a woman’s sport utility vehicle with a golf ball they were bouncing in a parking lot Sunday, according to Local6.com. 14-year-old Isaiah Grayer and his 16-year-old twin step-brothers Jamel and Justin Marshman apologized to Kathy Feaganes Allen, who started to drive away, but changed her mind and ran the boys over instead. Seriously. She turned her car around and went after the boys, running over three medians in the process and ended up with her car in the ditch.

She then got out of her car, calmly lit a cigarette and called her husband, while Jamel, the only uninjured brother, asked her why she would do such a thing.

Perhaps she was on her way to a PEST meeting, or someone had recently stolen her pot.

4. Florida law prohibits women from falling asleep under salon hairdryers or parachuting on Sundays. To be fair, men are prohibited from appearing in public in any type of strapless gown (this law is not enforced). Also citizens may not sing in public places while wearing a swimsuit, and must still pay the parking fee if they tie an elephant to a parking meter.

UPDATE: An anonymous reader (yay, I have a reader!) brings up the extremely valid point that California is equally insane. Also, all states still have stupid laws. If you click on the link to Florida Law, above, it will actually take you to dumblaws.com, which lists them for all states and some other countries. Since I was picking on Florida, I only mentioned theirs.
Fnord is my father, for those of you who don't know.